You want to be rid of the other. You know things will only get worse. You manage to cut external ties, however you still feel awful. There is a clear level of irresolution, strong negative charges, and toxic thinking still circulates the situation and the other.
Should we just end things at the first convenient exit?
Is partial resolution a good option?
When is a situation considered fully resolved?
When should we walk away?
Sometimes it is clear that a relationship has come to an end. You have tried everything to make it work but now realize that it is no longer healthy, and separating allows you both to walk a higher path. But what is the actual point of exit? And when we do we exit too early or too late?
When a relationship starts to go south, our natural human tendency is to directly think of ways to escape or end the relation. On the other hand, when we are compelled to work it out, we do it for either lower or higher reasons. A lower reason compels us to work it out because of our attachments, fears and inability to let go. A higher reason is based on our commitment to evolution and truth.
Every conflict is mutually beneficial. One may have more learning than the other, however both have something to gain. Negativity is born from unresolved pain. If you are projecting negativity, then resolution starts with pulling this energy in and dissolving your own pain first. When pain dissolves, lucidity occurs, after which is the right time to resolve the outer conflict. If possible, one should avoid the impulse to end relationships in order to release pain. We should make big decisions from a peaceful state and not from a pained state trying to release itself. That said, when we are in pain, it is generally too early to end a relationship.
Hurt Vs. Harm
In relationship, it is very important to understand the difference between hurt and harm. Hurt is subjective, while harm is objective. Hurt is when our baseline state of pain is revealed. Our wounds are triggered but not due to the other “trying” to hurt us. The other has only helped us to surface the pain we already carry. Their actions have helped us to see a deeper level of our own selves.
Harm is different. Harm is when the pain of another is being inflicted onto us. We have placed ourselves unnecessarily in harm’s way. In this case, we should follow our instinct to remove ourselves from the toxic person and situation. This is not escape, but rather a healthy act of self-protection. Most people confuse their personal hurt for another person trying to harm them. They blame the other, or abandon the relationship pre-maturely, without seeing that the other was only serving our own self-reflection. If indeed the other is harming you, instead of helping you access your pain, then deeper considerations need to be made. If you are being physically abused, and cannot defend the safety of your body, you need to leave. If the situation is more mental or emotional, then a clear discernment is needed.
More on Hurt
Is their word or action triggering a personal pain, an old issue, a pattern coming from your past. Is your reaction disproportionately larger than it should be? If so, this may be a “situation of hurt”, not harm. For example, if your partner is a dominating man, is your anger the sum total of all men who have hurt you? In this case, the first signs of domination are a “gentle reminder” for you to heal the pain inside. The situation does not have to worsen, if you use these initial triggers to come into self-awareness and begin to heal. This reflection is helping you access deeper threads of pain running through the layers of your consciousness. Keep in mind, we speak of gentle forms of negative reflection, anyone who exhibits signs of abuse, does not belong in this category of understanding.
In the case that the other is indeed a reflector, then them temporarily take on the role of a perpetrator for you to see your accumulated issue. If the partner is indeed a reflector for you, then after you see the issue, they no longer play that role. That role only had a function, and once you learned, they no longer needed to play that role to help you see. From a higher perspective, this “situation of hurt” is you having invited in this role-play to help you see yourself. If you were to blame your helper, then you miss the higher meaning of your meeting. Eventually, you see the other is not trying to hurt you, and your interpretation was filtered through your pain body. You see that your partner was innocent, and only performed a function for the sake of your healing. You can extend them gratitude.
More on Harm
If you are in a “situation of harm” then the other is not just performing a selfless function in order to help you learn. They are acting from their ego and serving their own ends. They are in pain but they cannot take responsibility for it. They are in pain and need to find someone to blame. Their pain has peaked and now they can no longer “contain” it. They need to express it, project it, or use it to launch an attack. What is clear, is that they can no longer keep it locked inside. If you hurt with them, they feel better in a twisted kind of way. Harm is the desire to hurt another with intention. Either they keep playing this unconscious game of projection, or they wake up and take responsibility instead of blaming. If they awaken, they may find a way to express their pain instead of project it. The ego then surrenders itself in order to turn within and heal.
In the case one who harms is not waking up, there are two responses.
a. If you have pain to release or a lesson to learn and cannot learn on your own, then you may need an external trigger. Their projection or attack will be the trigger you have subconsciously asked for. If you can awaken to this set up early enough, then you withdraw from the drama and instead dissolve your pain and heal yourself first. If you fall for the setup, you begin engaging in an ego battle with the other, exchanging pain for more pain, and creating further mutual karma.
b. If you hold a level of love greater than the energy of the attack, you will not be affected. You will affect them. You will be able to hold a higher space for their healing. Their attacks melt inside your wider embrace. There is no pain you need to release, no personal lesson to learn, and so you are selfless in your response. The situation becomes non-personal and your natural and instant response is loving compassion.
If we can recognize hurt as hurt, then we know that staying in relationship and using the hurt triggered is a way to heal ourselves. If we recognize harm as harm, then we can either hold a higher space for their healing, or depart the circumstance to heal ourselves first.
If relationship conflict has resolved, lessons have been learned, forgiveness and gratitude realized, then that is a good time to consider whether the relationship should end or not. If the relationship was only meant for karmic purposes then it will feel complete after peace has been restored. If one hangs onto the relationship due to attachment, neediness, fear of loss or loneliness, then we unnecessarily prolong a connection. In such a case, we have overstayed our stay, and deter ourselves from meeting our next evolutionary relationship. If there is no dharmic agreement in addition to the karmic one, then one should choose not to lose precious time and just let go.